Why I think we should have an open relationship...

[incumnicado]

I have been married for 17 years this month. We met when we were in our early 20's and married a year later. I was always the committed romantic type, and she was always the friendly bohemian for whom sex was a nice way to say hello. Though she had been in relationships and in love before me, they had never been completely committed/monogamous until ours. But, we were soul mates. I held her heart and she held mine, so she happily (and I thought, easily) made the transition.

Like many marriages, we've had a lot of really good times and a lot of exceptionally bad times. We've had the typical problems with money, failing careers, weight gain, adjusting to having a child, adjusting to having ANOTHER child, etc. But, 7 years ago (years before we decided to have kids), we had a very trust altering experience with her cheating on me with what I recently learned where several partners. And, every 6 months to a year or so, she briefly sneaks around online with people she knows, flirting, talking dirty, and, upon two occasions sharing naked pics.

But this isn't really about her cheating. It's not about guilt and recrimination, or meant to show lapses in character, or to create sympathy. Merely to set the stage for my real purpose in writing...

I've been punishing her for YEARS for doing something "wrong" rather than accepting that she spent the first 9 years of our marriage and most of the last 7 willingly suppressing a big part of herself, because she loves me and wants to stay with me.

In "Why I have an Open Marriage", by Jasmine, published in 2005, the author says,

"I have a strong need for Other in my life. I don't know why, but I do. I am healthier because I faced this fact about myself and chose to deal with it honestly. When I get close to men friends, physical or emotional attraction WILL occur, and not getting close is NOT an acceptable option for me. Repression didn't work for me. I was a bitch, not fit to be around. I hated myself; I made my husband miserable."

This really struck a chord with me, as this paragraph parallels my own experiences. I believe my wife has a strong need for "other" that she has been suppressing during most of our time together (and denying when asked about it). It's NOT about lack of love or devotion. It just is what it is. It manifested, during one period of extreme stress 7 years ago, as a burst of self-permitted sexual freedom that she hadn't enjoyed since her youth, and, every now and again, as a really naughty note or a dirty pic behind my back. Case-in point, a friend of ours, who is a real man-whore, texted her with a pic of his penis. Rather than shut him down, she sent back a pic of her vagina. She admitted this was a stupid response, but she felt sexy and naughty and it brought out her exhibitionist side.

I think she just reaches a point, and those points can be very few and far between, where she overflows just a little (i.e., the web flirting etc). The rest of the time, she keeps it clamped way down and this hurts both of us. It hurts our sex life, because we are the typical, busy, stressed out married couple, and makes her a bitch to live with sometime. Ironically, when she commented to a good friend that she (herself) is a bitch, our friend told my wife that he has only ever seen her be a bitch to me. Doubly ironic is, that she genuinely does enjoy sex, loves anal, and when she finally gets sex, acts like someone who enjoys it so much you would think she does it all the time.

I believe an open relationship may be the answer. Not quite swinging, though that's not out of the question (we have done this a handful of times with friends and it was great fun, but the club scene is a turnoff), and definitely not polyamory (just not for us). But the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants with whomever she wants, as long as she is discreet, safe, and comes home to me. I have thought about this for a long time, and tried to ignore it because I wasn't sure it's what I wanted. I have brought it up periodically and she has denied her need or desire for this, as she is also a total type A control freak who doesn't want to admit when she isn't in control.

Our problems were never about the sex, they were about the trust. But I realize, that I CAN trust her in every way that really matters. She's a good wife, mother, and partner, and an amazing lover when we have the time and the energy. She's always there when I really need her. It's just that we are both asking something of her that is against her nature and that hurts both of us. It's not that she can't do it, or won't do it. It's that it's not natural for her. I have seen how much she enjoys it when we have sex with others. I have no problem with her enjoying pleasure with others, if it makes her happy and makes us happy. I believe that we need to redefine trust under a new umbrella and I think the benefits will be immeasurable.

I can only write so much of a book and not put people to sleep, so forgive me if I ran too long in some spots and abridged too much in others. If any more enlightened folk have some thoughts, I'm open to them.

If the forum does agree with me, any thoughts on how and when to sit down with her and talk about it would be appreciated.

Thanks!